User:Gkhan~enwiki/GeekJokes

My mission in life is to find what is the geekiest joke in the world. I am accepting submissions here. When enough good ones are submitted, there will be a vote! Now, don't be ashamed, go ahead, add the lamest jokes you know! Note, however that the shear enormity of geeky jokes make a sieving process inevitable. I will remove any jokes not up to snuff as they say. Only the very best will be able to compete!

The jokes!

• A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist sees two people enter a house, and three people leave. "They must have reproduced in there", the biologist says. "No, obviously there were one or more people already in the house" said the physicist. Then the mathematician says "If one more person enters the building, it will be empty"

Told to gkhan by a friend

• Hamlet via De Morgan's laws: Not ( (not to be) and (to be) )

Found at WP:BJAODN, by moink

• 2 plus 2 equals 5 for sufficiently large values of 2

Found in Dr Riemann's Zeros by Karl Sabbagh

• "Define sqrt(x) to something insane like x/rand(). Bury it deep. Watch your coworkers go nuts"

Found in a slashdot sig (note: practical joke).

• The INTERCAL programming language

Created by Don Woods and James Lyons at Princeton in 1972

• Is this a joke? "Linux stands for Linux, Inux, Nux, Ux, X" :-)
• How about the old light bulb joke: "How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
• I'm taking another one of those: "How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project."

--Fred-Chess 00:19, Jun 23, 2005 (UTC)

• "There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who know how to count in binary, and those who don't." FreplySpang (talk) 23:45, 24 Jun 2005 (UTC)
  • From bash.org:

<kow`> "There are 10 types of people in the world... those who understand binary and those who don't."
<SpaceRain> That's only 2 types of people, kow.
<SpaceRain> STUPID

Nickptar 20:43, 28 July 2005 (UTC)

• alternatively "There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who have friends." (Can't remember where that one came from) Njál 14:13, 14 December 2005 (UTC)
• roses are #FF0000 violets are #0000FF all my base are belong to you
• As a psychology experiment, a mathematician is placed in a room with a sink, a cooking pot, and a stove. He is asked to boil a pot of water. He takes the empty pot, fills it with water from the sink, sets it on the stove, and turns it on. Next he is led into a room with a sink, a pot full of water, and a stove. Again he is asked to boil a pot of water. He takes the pot and dumps the water out in the sink. He then announces, "I have reduced the problem to the previously solved problem."

Ravenswood 16:53, August 4, 2005 (UTC)

• Just a note, the above joke is very similar to an oft-cited (according to my memory) interview question for computer science candidates. Anyways, my geeky joke:

The great flood has ended and Noah is dropping the animals off from the arc, and as he bids each pair farewell he instructs them to "go forth and multiply". One year later he decides to check up on the animals to see how they're getting on - sure enough, the majority of the animals have been doing their bit to repopulate the planet, however upon reaching the snakes he finds only the original couple. "What's going on?" Noah enquires, "why haven't you had any children?". "Don't worry about it, Noah" replies one of the snakes. "If you could jusst do uss one favour, then we'll get on with it". "Sure" replies Noah, "what?". "Cut down some of these trees for us". Noah is confused but he complies, and promises to return after another year has passed. When it has, he visits to find plenty of new snakes in the area, and he is very pleased but still confused, so he tracks down the original pair: "Well, I'm very glad you two produced more snakes, but why did you need me to cut down the trees?" "Well you sseee, " replied one of the snakes, "we're adderss, sso we need logss to multiply". ::ZoFreX 04:26, 15 August 2005 (UTC)

• A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would-be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."
• What is the shortest mathematicians joke?

Let epsilon be smaller than zero.

• Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?

To get to the same side.

• Interesting Theorem:

All positive integers are interesting. Proof: Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction.

• A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away. So e^x follows him and asks why the hurry. "Well, you see, there's this differential operator coming this way, and when we meet, he'll differentiate

me and nothing will be left of me...!" "Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to the x!" and he walks on. Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance. e^x: "Hi, I'm e^x" diff.op.: "Hi, I'm d/dy"

• "The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
• Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?

A: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.

• Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?

A: Because he left a residue at every pole.

• Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far." So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?"

(They hear the echo several times). 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!" One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."

• Q: What's purple and commutes?

A: An abelian grape.

• Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?

A: Zorn's Lemon.

• Q: What's green and very far away?

A: The lime at infinity.

• A physicist, a structural engineer and an economist were standed on a desert island. All the supplies they had was a packing crate full of tins of baked beans. They were discussing how to open the tin cans.

The engineer suggested beating them with rocks until they split.

The physicist relied that he could do better than that - just make a fire, surround it with banana leaves on the ground, and place the tin on the fire. When it got hot enough, the tin would rupture, spreading the now cooked beans onto the bana leaves, ready to eat.

The engineer and the physicist then turned to the economist and asked what contribution he could make. After a moment's thought he said..."Assume a tin-opener..."!

• A university was making cut-backs, and was asking for suggestions on the minimum amount of equipment needed by each faculty. The mathematicians pointed out they needed only pencils, paper, and waste-baskets, but felt that the philosophy department needed only pencils and paper. (I've seen this with other liberal arts faculties as the butt as well).
• There was a young lady named Bright,

who could travel much faster than light.

She left home one day

in the usual way

and returned the previous night!

• Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31 = DEC 25

• This one require a bit of physics knowledge:

Beth walks up to Darren and greets him by askingː "What's new?"

Darren repliesː "E over h"

What did the baby chip say to the motherboard ? A: WAAHH! WWAAHH !Martial Law 19:43, 21 October 2005 (UTC)

• 2 atoms are walking on the street, says one atom to the other, I think I lost an electron. Says the other: Are you sure? Yes, I'm absolutely positive Webmind 19:46, 17 May 2007 (UTC)

Some tourists are taking a helicopter adventure over Seattle when a fog comes up and obscures the ground. The quick-thinking pilot flies over to a high-rise, writes a message on a sheet of paper, and holds it up to the bubble of the helicopter. It reads, "Where are we?"

The people in the building scurry about, get a whiteboard, and scrawl on it, "You're in a helicopter!"

The pilot, knowing where is is, heads over towards Seatac airport to land.

When he gets out, one of the tourists asks, "How did you know where to land? That message didn't say anything?"

The pilot replied that the answer, though technically correct, was completely useless, so that had to be the Microsoft building.

writch

• (Linux humor:)

Husband: "Make me a sandwich."

Wife: "What?? Make it yourself!"

Husband: "Sudo make me a sandwich."

Wife: "Done."

--Cheese Sandwich 15:55, 16 June 2007 (UTC)

Gags!

AYBABTU Cat ^chi? 21:46, 23 August 2005 (UTC)